[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A photograph of a small manatee being scratched by a human in goggles and a wet suit. TEXT: “Everything is going to be okay. Do your best and go easy on yourself if you need. You are going to do great.”]
And that is concerning the movie my mother watches from Thanksgiving to Christmas Day, ”Christmas Vacation.”
While I do have the entire movie memorized from watching since I was five or whenever the tradition began, I just…can’t get really enjoy it as much as my mother seems to. For various reason that I don’t want to get into.
So, instead of watching “A Christmas Vacation”, I’m gonna watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” each year. Probably on December 24th…
Oh, and I decided to change my celebrations name to “Midwinter Giftmas” because “Giftmas” is too accurate of a term for me to pass up. I love giving gifts at this time of the year, and is honestly why I don’t want to give up this tradition. Sharing love to family and friends? Yes please!
(Pictured above, Luca and myself.)
While chatting with some online friends at this wee hour of the morning, we started talking about when we began our blogs. I started to reread my first post, and realized that the anniversary was today. I then reread the post I made last year, my one year anniversary.
In brief, I have come so, so far from my original post and even from the post last year at this time.
The reason I began this blog was primarily to overcome my anxieties about talking about my mental health. I am at the point where I am almost completely conquered that. I feel so confident and assured with my mental health that I can take opposition if it should be brought up. Thanks to so much support blogs and other people who blog about their mental health, I know tactics, facts, and catchy retorts to almost anything someone says to me. And that confidence is astounding considering how paralyzed I was two years ago when faced with just telling people I had depression and anxiety. (Granted, I still couldn’t live with my mother’s constant beratement. Luckily, I don’t have to!)
I’m still with William. We moved out of his parents’ house into our own apartment. It’s been a bit rough in that regard. I did lose my job at the video game store early on in 2013 to a new phobia: agoraphobia. I would have a panic attack whenever I tried to walk to work from our apartment. It got to the point where I asked William, an assistant manager by that point, to file my resignation papers. At the very least, I wasn’t fired. I quit.
Over six months later, I’m starting to adapt. I am learning that I can feel safe while driving, and that is helpful. I have started to go to a local Unitarian Universalist church for their pagan meetups. From those, I met a local friend! And I am forming new bonds by going there. It’s a great experience. I am trying to get better with my sleep schedule so I can attend the weekly services and begin to integrate with the overall UU community. It’d do me good—as I am awfully isolated at times.
My spirituality in general has been growing. I started a new blog about it, met new friends, and started on a new “path.” I really feel solid with the choices I’ve made. I hope I continue to grow.
I still haven’t returned to college, but I have decided I want to. I sometimes muse with the possibility of going to college for history related to my religion, but I still have this dream. And that involves theatre. So, more than likely, I’ll return for theatre. Hopefully in the spring at the local community college? I keep pushing it back a semester, though…
I’m having difficulties with sleep and my sleep schedule. Sleeping too much, mostly. I’m having issues with trying to phone my psychiatrist, or talk on the phone at all. I’m had issues remembering to eat full meals somedays—though that is fixed.
But I’m almost one-year self-harm free. I’m so immensely proud of myself!
William has been a wonderful support. I have come to trust him and rely on him for support. Whenever I’m in a depressed and/or anxious mood, I voice my inner thoughts aloud to him. He then can reject them. He’s my “positive” affirmations. He’s also been a wonderful support while I haven’t been working. He doesn’t blame me for not working, or berate me for being unemployed. He doesn’t get upset if I sleep all day. He loves me unconditionally and it’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I love him too unconditionally, and want to give him all the happiness in the world.
My dad is also being a great support, in the ways he can. We see each other a few times a month for coffee or dinner. He helps with the bills a bit by giving me a small allowance. I really appreciate his support and love.
As for my blog, my URL went through a transformation that I think reflects my attitudes towards recovery. I also started collecting more resources and links on my sidebar, trying to maintain certain tags (like quotes and comics), and reaching out to others whenever I can. I don’t blog about myself so much anymore, or not as much as I use to, but that’s a sign of my own progress. A lot of external drama has subsided and I am just now trying to learn the coping mechanisms to once again have confidence in my own abilities. I do still use this blog to vent, as well as to write about my sleeping habits.
I am learning more about myself, too. I am learning that I could (and should) consider myself an abuse survivor given how my older brother treated me. I am learning that my mother should be kept at an arms lengths away, since she is a walking trigger. I am learning about my triggers, what upsets me and what doesn’t, and how to best address those that put me into a state of panic. William has taught me a lot about patience and diplomacy with people, and I’ve taught him a lot about feminism and social justice.
I am also giving my cat, Luca, daily snuggles. Pets are so wonderful.
I still am no where near where I want to be. I want to be social again. I want to go to theatre parties and be goofy. I want to be busy. I want to eventually have a family and a profitable career. But I’m learning to let myself take the small steps I need. I’m learning to figure out how to cope with certain triggers. And most importantly, I am finally learning how to ask for help. I am so thankful for all the help I receive. From William, from my dad, from my friends, from the online community—everyone. I finally feel safe to ask for help…and that is a milestone that will make the steps in my life easier.
Thank you all who follows. Thank you so, so much. Whether you followed me back in 2011, or whether you’re just joining me today… Thank you.
Here’s to another year of progress!
Sincerely and Always,
Laura Jayne Martin (via fancydressmasks)
Oh my gods thank you for this quote ;.;
I think Cosmo did some justice on this one
I feel this to my core.
Lol at #3. Seriously my friends family is obsessed With Bebe and it’s all plain clothing that costs way too much and barely anyone can fit into it
i want to marry this post
^ those tags
Also? I love that this talked about people who don’t want to call me/others fat. Erm, no? I am? I’m not dumb. Are you dumb? I’m well aware I’m fat. And I not only am I OKAY with that, I like it (when it isn’t limiting me socially because of fucking idiots who seem to think my fatness is an excuse to belittle or exclude me.)